How I navigate motherhood with Crohn’s

I’d always wanted to become a mum but was anxious about whether it was possible with Crohn's, especially after trying to conceive for 18 months.

So, I focused on staying well and seeking answers as to why I hadn't been able to conceive yet. After an ultrasound and blood tests came back clear, we knew there was no medical reason and within a month I was pregnant! I believe the relief after the scans helped me to feel calmer and stay more positive about getting pregnant.

In late 2019, our son Oliver was born.  I was very fortunate to have a straightforward pregnancy, and whilst his journey into the world was less straightforward, my Crohn’s remained stable throughout.

Being a mother with a chronic and unpredictable condition is tough and has a huge impact on our daily lives.  But the joy we bring each other every day more than makes up for it. It has forced me to evaluate what's important in life and ensure that I take time to look after me.

So, what living with a chronic illness has taught me?

You’re not a failure or a bad parent if you don’t do everything yourself

I have limited energy due to fatigue and want to use that energy to spend time with my family so I’m fortunate to have help. When my husband works away, I order homemade meals on a subscription service, and we have a regular cleaner. These days energy is like gold-dust, and fatigue can make the simplest of tasks a huge challenge, so be gentle with yourself.

Getting the right balance is key

We can’t be everything for everyone, even if we’d like to be!

I work 3 days a week and have a day to myself when Oliver is in nursery.  At first, I felt extremely guilty for choosing that time for myself but I know I’m a calmer and happier parent for taking that time to recharge.

Qigong, Yin yoga, reading and a good nap are my go-to activities for recharging my batteries. Or they at least stop my battery from draining so quickly.     

Prioritise your own health – both mental and physical

For years after my diagnosis, I focused on being physically well to stay in remission.  However, I was neglecting the emotional and psychological impact of the diagnosis and life with Crohn’s. 

So, I started to write. It was a release for the mix of emotions I was feeling, and I hoped that it would help others with Crohn’s. 

Recently, Oliver was very upset that we couldn’t go back outside to play.  I was really struggling with coronavirus, and I didn’t have anything left in me.

I explained that I was too unwell to go outside, as we’d originally agreed, and that it was completely normal to feel disappointed or upset when we’re unable to do what we would like.  Naturally he was upset about this (as was I) but gave me a cuddle and came to sit on the sofa with me instead.

I hope that these experiences are developing empathy and compassion, as he learns that others may be struggling, even if it’s not obvious.

Asking for help shows strength

There’s no shame in asking for help. Whether you're trying to conceive, pregnant, in the postpartum phase or a seasoned mummy, we all need to ask for help at some point. And that’s OK.

It’s impossible to meet the needs of others if your own needs go unmet. I've learnt this the hard way!

Lean on others when you need to. It takes strength to recognise you need support and to ask for help. It was a tough lesson to learn, but I'm so glad I did!

Be more present

Nothing in life lasts forever. Find the little moments of calm and joy each day, even just a few minutes in a chaotic family life! Sometimes I'm unwell or too fatigued to join in with my son's play. Instead, I take the time to soak up those precious moments when he hugs me better or lies with me on the sofa for a moment. It's not always easy to be present in our lives, it is a process which takes time.

Lastly, remember that everyone’s situation and experience is different. Focus on your own path, whatever it is you choose.

It has been a privilege to write a piece that I hope will help my fellow Crohn’s and Colitis warriors.