How it feels - supporting a partner through chronic illness

Callam has been with his partner, Dean, for six years, and during that time he’s supported him throughout his journey navigating his Crohn’s Disease diagnosis and recent emergency stoma surgery. We spoke to Callam about what it’s like to support a loved one through a life-changing operation, what he’s found most difficult, and what he’s learned along the way.

My partner, Dean, has had a tough time. Pretty much since I’ve known him, he’s experienced severe stomach cramps and constipation, and despite many trips to the GP, he never got any real answers. Dean also lives with a blood pressure condition, which he felt made getting support even harder. Each time, he was advised to just take laxatives, or that it was “just IBS.”

Over the years, he really struggled, and in October last year things took a turn for the worse. One evening Dean was in debilitating stomach pain after taking the laxatives he had been told to take, and I could tell he was extremely unwell. I called an ambulance, and he was taken to hospital, where doctors said he was close to going into septic shock. A sigmoidoscopy revealed that he had a severely inflamed bowel that was also necrotic, and they were planning emergency surgery to save his life.

Dean was started on biologics, IV antibiotics, and steroids with the hope of reducing the inflammation. At that point, we didn’t know what the outcome would be. After weeks of uncertainty about whether surgery would take place, we were told that stoma surgery would go ahead.

Of course, it was a huge shock for Dean, but for me too. It had been so difficult watching him suffer for all of these years, and now I knew we had a long road ahead. Thankfully, the surgery went well. Dean had all of his large bowel removed, along with some of his small bowel, and he now lives with a stoma.

While Dean was in theatre, I considered ways of helping him recover and adjust to his new life. I decided I would have my own “stoma bag” ready for when Dean came around from surgery, so I could pretend to fill and empty it alongside him and help him feel less alone. Watching him struggle in those early days was incredibly hard, and at times I felt helpless, not knowing how best to make things easier for him.

It was during this time in hospital that I really got to know Crohn’s & Colitis UK as a charity, too. I read their leaflets, spoke to the IBD nurses, and learned more from their website. Having that information to hand was so helpful, and it made me feel more prepared for what Dean might face. 

Dean is still adjusting to life with a stoma, and I’m also adjusting to life as the partner of someone who’s been through such a life-changing time. Of course, Dean’s life has changed the most, but it’s been difficult for me too. My anxiety and mental health have suffered, and I had to reach out for some support. As a partner, you want to be strong, but I’ve learned how important it is to look after yourself as well.

We are so very grateful to all the consultants, doctors, nurses, and support staff on Ward 24 at Doncaster Royal Infirmary for making a very stressful time much easier with their exceptional care and compassion. No ask was too big, and we are forever grateful.

I’m taking part in the Big Winter Workout fundraising challenge this January to raise awareness not only of Crohn’s, but also of how challenging it can be to support someone living with Crohn’s or a stoma. Carers and partners need support too. Charities like Crohn’s & Colitis UK are there to provide that support, and I hope the money I raise can help.