Relationships and dating

• Many people living with Crohn’s or Colitis are in intimate, loving and sexual relationships. For some people, their condition can make their relationship feel stronger. But for other people, living with Crohn’s or Colitis can put a strain on their relationship.
• There’s no right or wrong way to tell someone you are dating about your condition, stoma or fistula. Our Talking Toolkit could help you find the words to start the conversation.
• Living with Crohn’s and Colitis can affect your body image and self-esteem. There are ways to build up your body image and self-esteem. See the NHS Inform self-help guide and the charity Mind’s tips to improve your self-esteem.
• Support is available if you’re having difficulties with relationships or dating. The other organisations at the end of this resource may be helpful.
• Some people may be eligible for relationship counselling through the NHS. Speak to your GP to find out what may be available to you in your local area.

Telling a partner about Crohn’s or Colitis

There’s no right answer for when to tell someone about your condition. You may find it comes up naturally. Maybe they are living with a condition themselves. And with some people it might not be so easy. You might not feel comfortable talking about your symptoms, or worry about being judged.

You may decide to wait until you know someone better before you tell them. You may even consider whether you need to tell them at all.

Even if there are times when you feel embarrassed by your Crohn's or Colitis, it’s only one part of who you are. Your best relationships will be with people who see and love you as a whole.

Telling a partner about your stoma

There’s no right or wrong way to tell someone about your stoma. You may decide to tell them early on, maybe even before you meet them. This could give you more control over when they find out. If someone acts insensitively because of your stoma, then you know sooner rather than later. Or telling someone later could show them that there’s more to you than your condition.

You could practise how you’d tell them. See our Talking Toolkit for inspiration on how to talk about your stoma.

They might not know what a stoma is, why you have it, or what it means for your future. You could show them our information on life with a stoma. Give them time to try to understand. If you feel comfortable, let them ask you questions about your stoma.

Take it at your own pace. It’s not ok for anyone to make you feel uncomfortable about your body or condition. You do not have to talk about the details of your stoma if you do not feel comfortable to.

There may be some people who cannot see past the stoma. It can be extremely difficult to face rejection. But if someone cannot accept you for who you are and what you have been through, then they may not be the right person for you.

Telling a partner about your fistula

Having a fistula may affect your body confidence. It could be hard to explain to a new partner why you may look a bit different around your bottom or genitals. You could practice how you would tell someone. If you’re nervous about telling them face to face, you could show them our information on fistulas.

If someone makes you feel bad because of your fistula, or any other part of who you are, they may not be someone you want to be with.

Many people enjoy casual sex and relationships at some point in their lives. Lots of the things mentioned in this information, such as telling a partner about your condition or your stoma, also apply to casual relationships. If you are having casual sex, it’s important to use protection to lower your risk of catching sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

There’s no shame in enjoying casual sex. Your healthcare professionals should not judge your sexual choices.

For some people, their condition can help them feel closer to their partner. But for other people, living with Crohn’s or Colitis can put a strain on their relationship. There is no right way to approach relationships. This information is here to help you explore what is best for you.

Feeling embarrassed to talk to your partner about your condition

Talking about poo can be hard at the best of times, and even harder if you’re trying to create a bit of romance.

If you’re finding it hard to start the conversation, our Talking Toolkit may help. You could also show your partner our information on supporting someone with Crohn’s or Colitis.

Not everyone will make the effort to learn about other people’s experiences and difficulties. If your partner makes you feel bad or embarrassed about your condition, you may want to ask yourself if they are the kind of person you want to be with.

Feeling uncertain about the future

Uncertainty of how your condition will be in the future is a major worry for many people living with Crohn’s and Colitis. You may think “Does my partner know what they’re getting themselves into?”

Being open about your worries may help. You could show them our information on Crohn’s or Colitis so they can better understand your condition.

Feeling like a burden

It may feel hard to have your partner look after you when you’re unwell. You may feel guilty or embarrassed about the things they are helping with. Or you may feel sad that you have lost some of your independence. Try to be honest about your feelings and worries, and encourage your partner to be open too. 

If your partner is struggling to help care for you, you could look for extra support together. You could ask for help from friends and family. Or you may be eligible for other practical or financial help. The NHS has more information on support for carers. You can also contact your local council to find out what support is available in your area: find your local council.

Worries about sex and intimacy

You may be worried about being intimate with your partner. You might not feel able to be as intimate as you want to be. For more on this, see our information on sex and sexual health.

Financial issues

Living with Crohn’s or Colitis can sometimes mean extra costs, such as prescriptions or higher water bills. Money problems may be worse if you are unable to work because of your condition. See our information on finances and benefits for support you could be eligible for.

No one should feel unsafe in their relationship. If you feel like you are being controlled, pressured or isolated by your partner or ex-partner, this is not ok. Abuse can take many forms, such as physical, emotional, sexual or financial. It can affect relationships with your family or friends.

People living with a disability or long-term condition have a higher risk of experiencing domestic abuse.

Abuse can be hard to spot. See GOV.UK for more on the signs of domestic abuse and how to get support. If you are in immediate danger, call 999.

Living with Crohn’s and Colitis can affect your body image and self-esteem. Having to manage difficult or embarrassing symptoms could affect your confidence.

A poor body image can affect your self-esteem. Your body may have changed, and this can be hard to get used to. Changes to your body could be due to:

• Symptoms or effects of Crohn’s or Colitis, such as bloating, weight loss or weight gain, hair loss, skin conditions or fistulas.
• Surgery that has left scarring, or a stoma.
• Side effects of medicines. For example, steroids can cause weight gain, a rounded ‘moon’ face, growth of body hair or stretch marks.

Poor body image has been linked to depression in people with Crohn’s or Colitis. Having long-term obsessive and distressing thoughts about your body can become a symptom of body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). Speak to your GP if you are worried about how your thoughts are affecting you.

If you need someone to talk to, you can call the Samaritans 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on 116 123.

Body image and being intimate

Having poor body image and low self-esteem can have a big impact on intimate relationships. If you do not feel good about yourself, you may find it hard to be emotionally or physically intimate with someone else.

When you are dating or getting intimate with someone, you may worry about what they think of your body. These worries may come from outside ideas of what a body should look like. But everyone’s body is unique and desirable in its own way. Your body may have been through a lot. You may feel like it has let you down at times. But, you may also feel a sense of pride about how far you have come and what you have been through.

If you’re going to have sex, you may feel better talking to the other person about your worries beforehand. You could tell them if you do not like being touched in certain places, or let them know which positions help you feel most confident. Reassure and compliment each other. This could help you both feel more confident about being intimate together.

Some people choose to wear clothing that makes them feel more attractive or body confident.

We follow strict processes to make sure our information is based on up-to-date evidence and is easy to understand. We produce it with patients, medical advisers and other professionals. It is not intended to replace advice from your own healthcare professional.

We hope that you’ve found this information helpful. Please email us at evidence@crohnsandcolitis.org.uk if:

• You have any comments or suggestions for improvements
• You would like more information about the evidence we use
• You would like details of any conflicts of interest

You can also write to us at Crohn’s & Colitis UK, 1 Bishop Square, Hatfield, AL10 9NE. Or you can contact us through our Helpline by calling 0300 222 5700.

We do not endorse any products mentioned in our information.